These days I haven’t been getting out of the house much. I think, on sunday my mom took me to drink coffee in Mishmar HaSharon – cafés have nice atmosphere by early winter. By the night of the saturday before last saturday I went to buy an egg-sandwitch at the fuel station on highway 57. I felt good back then. I still do – kinda. Nevertheless, I kept working on my sefer, in which I elucidate the Daniel verse “His branches are fine and His fruits abundant” (“עפיה שפיר ואנבה שגיא” – Daniel 4:12) in a very long elucidation, which focuses a lot on the constitution of Ilana Yakira (“the Most-Precious Tree”) – the branches, substances and weeds that grow from Mana Yakira (“Most-Precious Vessel”) when Ma’ase-Merkava (“The Chariot-Operation”) is conducted.

I have been on consistent NoFap, currently counting 3 months since last relapse. I was given antidepressants which seriously affect sexdrive, but when I skip them then yetzer hara attacks me. Nevertheless, I am standing firm against the Mazikim, and I am trying to be holy, although I feel very impure and diseased. I went to do blood-tests and urine-tests, and apparently my kidney problems (yes I have kidney problems now) are a result of my antipsychotics, as antipsychotics famously cause kidney problems frequently, and my blood-and-urine-tests showed that I don’t have any infections or diseases.
But karma-wise, why did those kidney problems only hit me now? During August something very bad happened. When I began enduring “psychotic attacks” (so does my mom call it) I thought the person involved was a black magician. One time, I began feeling an incredible heaviness and stress in my lungs, it became clear to me – I am possessed by wudu-serpents!! I began screaming hoping that they will get out of my lungs through my screams, but to no avail. I took a high dosage, hoping it will calm me down, and went to sleep.
A week or two weeks later I began feeling the same attack – but in my veins. And I tried to cut my wrists, and by a miracle I didn’t end up in the Pardesiya psychward. A week after that, I locked myself in the restroom for an entire night, and in the early morning my mom took me out of the restroom while I am screaming and crying, and she washed me while I was screaming and crying.

During september, prior to the war, I felt extremely impure, but I also began putting tefilin and saying shema-on-the-bed and ana-b’choach. I began delving more deeply into Rabbi Nathan’s “Book of Creation”, and began realizing the incredible mystery that he was uncovering: the mystery of divine reproduction – as God reproduces with Himself, SEED&VESSEL, leading to the fruition and generation of newer psychic arborescences. The economy of judgment-and-grace makes the divine body accumulate form continually.